My stupid leg is injured

It is apparent that southern recreational tennis serves a much higher purpose than just exercise. I recently tore a muscle in my right calf....not playing tennis, but it's still torn. The Orthopedic Surgeon told me it would take about 2 months to re-attach to the tendon and strengthen enough to play tennis again. Even then, there is a high risk of it being re-torn, so I have to be very careful about easing back into my sport.

I have now sat out of matches for about 6 weeks. My temper seems to be flaring more frequently than normal, my patience is non-existent and I may or may not have put on about 15 pounds. Don't know because I refuse to find out for sure. The fit of my clothing, however, strongly hints at the expansion of my girth (pardon my girth). I'm bored and sulky and petulant.

Last week, I went to watch my team play their women's doubles match and smoked about 87 cigarettes on the sidelines, just itching to get out there and swing my racket. My regular doubles partner played with someone else. I was supportive but remained resentful on the inside. Oooh, I wanted to be the one to make my partner laugh when she got upset at the tiny woman cheating across the net from her. I wanted to be the one to change the opponents' baseline game to one of fear and defense. I wanted to be the one to receive the perfect setup shot returns from my partner's strategic game and instinctively slam it down with the skill of a Misty May volleyball smackdown.

Will I do all that when I get to play again? Not hardly. Sometimes. My game is off just as often as any other recreational tennis player. But I'll tell you this: It is a far, far better match I have played terribly than sitting my ass on my couch watching marathons of America's Next Top Model. Right now, I'm transitioning quickly from 'Hard to Kidnap' to 'Yeah, she's kinda fat, isn't she?' I want to wear my tennis skirt and my raggedy tennis shoes and my lucky sweat-stained visor and beat the dog out of those spoiled country club women with perfect husbands cheering and perfect ponytails swishing, all with blinding yellow balls on a hot, blue court under a ragweed Georgia sky. Look out ladies...my calf is healing.

10 Things I learned while playing tennis

1. Good manners go out the window when you feel compelled to call a man an ass during mixed doubles season.
2. I don't care what my hair looks like from May til August.
3. Visors are flattering.
4. Sleeveless tennis shirts are made from tiny pieces of stretchy cloth that don't stretch.
5. Sometimes slamming a ball over the fence feels better than actually scoring a point.
6. I wish I could serve like a man but still look cute in my skirt.
7. Some girls who shake your hand at the beginning of the match don't really want to be your friend.
8. Don't touch my racket.
9. Glucose tablets go well with Mountain Dew.
10. Get your damn hands off my racket.
    

Southern Tennis Etiquette

My goodness. It's hot in the south still, and we're all geeked up about playing fall tennis. Fall tennis in Georgia basically means you still get to salvage a little of your summer sunburn, wear the tennis skirt you thought was sooooo cute when you bought it on sale at Sports Authority last spring and picture yourself winning that city plate in 9 weeks. Winter is so far away.

How do we ladies behave on the tennis courts? Oh my, we're polite! These are lovely courts. No, we didn't have any trouble finding it. I don't know if we've played you before, but I bet we had fun! You got up at 5 this morning with a teething baby? Bless your heart. Yes, I'm glad it's cooled off a bit. I heard it might get down to 75 tonight! That's a really cute visor...where did you get it? Oh, it doesn't matter which side - we'll just stay over here. Don't you just hate warm-ups? It really is a nice day today. You have to wear that knee brace the whole match? Bless your heart. We're just out here to have fun.

The first point of the game, you smash the ball at one of their faces because you thought she acted fake when you shook hands. It's such a pretty day.